Masks – a clarification

Government guidelines decoded by experts

by Steve Cook

Typo City 9/8/20

The government today issued an urgent clarification on the wearing of masks as it affects the banking industry.

Jane Fibbs of the Ministry of Hysteria explained,

“We have issued this clarification in an effort to help the banking sector iron out some confusions.”

She went on to iron in confusions, starting with:

“We wish we’d never bloody started this stupid mask thing but for those oiks who are still too dim to understand plain ruddy English, here are the ruddy rules on wearing masks in the hope that we can dispense confusion once and for all.”

The following is a summary decoded by experts from her briefing,

Recent robbery Police issue photofit of suspect
Recent robbery Police issue photofit of suspect

The rules are suggestions, like the speed limit, that comprise guidelines. By “guidelines” is meant laws that are voluntary unless compulsory in which case they are referred to as “guidelines”.

We strongly suggest you wear a mask in a shop where the virus can get you but not in a pub or cafe where it can’t. By “suggest” we mean we’ll fine you if you don’t but only if a shopkeeper sets the cops on you. By “get” you we mean infect you with a horrible virus that is so sinister it has no symptoms in most cases,and is deceptively similar to a cold in others, which means you can suffer from it without noticing before you recover by which time it is too late.

The primary purpose of masks is to remind people there is an epidemic going on, lest people forget and go about their lives without panicking, which is illegal (or strongly frowned upon).

Cops don’t have to wear masks. No cop has ever died of the virus, proving that it doesn’t attack cops for some reason. If you want to survive the virus, join the police.

As for banks:

When entering a bank you MUST (we suggest) wear a mask unless you are a bank robber, in which case you are forbidden to wear a mask.

Whilst conducting your robbery or hold-up you are nevertheless required to maintain social distancing.

You can do this in many ways, one of which is to replace the traditional sawn-off shot gun with a shot gun with a long barrel.

Instead of yelling “Hand over the cash!” in the usual way, you can replace this with,

“Lob the cash in my general direction but please wear gloves!”


Steve cook writes and publishes cutting-edge sarcasm at The Daily Scare.

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About Steve Cook 2189 Articles
Director, UK Reloaded

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