We are very pleased to forward this government message. Enjoy!
We are proud to present the new, fashionable disease everyone is talking about.
It is available FREE on the National Health! In fact it will soon be the ONLY thing available on the National Health!
So hurry and get YOUR occasionally possibly fatal illness while the NHS lasts! Remember, once the NHS is sold off to the Pharmaceutical Industry, which will do all it can to help you be ill , un-wellness is going to cost you a packet!
To avail yourself of this once-in-a-lifetime (or year, whichever is the shorter) opportunity to enjoy our new state-of-the-art illness you only have to meet certain stringent qualifications!
These are: (a) being a British citizen or (b) not being a British citizen.
There is still time to take advantage of our special offer if you are fortune enough to enjoy ANY symptoms, including dandruff or a full bladder.
Yet as this offer is non discriminatory, it is even open to those unfortunates who are experiencing NO symptoms at all!
After all, either one can be fatal eventually within the time frame of no longer than 150 years, which is hardly any time at all when you think about it, so you can die too eventually in a variety of horrible ways of your choice.
All this is just another example of how brilliant your government is!
The new disease, which we are calling CONVID19, although it has another name nobody can remember, has the following attractive qualities:
- It is invisible
- It is everywhere
- It is mysteriously lurking, yet at the same time attractively threatening and is thus a perfect addition to any existence where nothing much else is going on
- It is vague, which has the advantage of providing the government with limitless opportunities for creative marketing
So the opportunity is there, free of charge, for you to be ill as and when you want to be! It’s YOUR call!
All you have to do is take a FREE TEST by texting the number below with “I am probably not very well”. As texting “I am probably not very well” is one of the symptoms of CONVID19, you will immediately receive a free visit from a friendly CONVID Marshal who will handcuff you to the radiator in a room (or cupboard) of your choice for three weeks and encourage you to mingle with six relatives at a time (which is a lot more than you usually mingle with) so that they too can enjoy the benefits of the new disease.
This test has replaced all other tests for Coronaviruses for health reasons after scientists discovered that 20% of all pensioners taking the tests became ill.
Once you are classed as officially diseased you will receive a beautifully designed DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) certificate and an organ donor card and these will enable you to enjoy the following exciting benefits:
- The chance to wear a face covering that looks very much like a pair of panties without anyone thinking you are some sort of nutter.
- Limitless opportunities to go on Facebook and Twitter and support the government’s efforts to introduce universal universal poverty.
- Not having to talk to or interact with your neighbours and having a very socially acceptable reason for it.
- Thoroughly enjoy a sense of impending doom.
- Privileged Access to the NHS, which is not enjoyed by anyone suffering from other, non-approved illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or advanced old age.
- A range of opportunities for disapproving of others especially anyone seditious enough to go around being chirpy without the government’s permission.
Once you are on the Under the Weather register you will receive a FREE introductory pack containing 464 scintillating pages of government guidelines and clarifications, which will be supplemented in the following week with a 900 page handbook clarifying the clarifications. This will keep you preoccupied and your mind off your suffering until you die, which we are all hoping will be very soon.
BritunFurst says: It is typical of this government allowing millions of illegal immigrants to come here and take our infectious diseases! Haven’t they got infectious disease in their own countries?
ThrottleTheElite says: All this just proves there is a conspiracy by politicians to govern the country. At least one of my theories is that they are governing the country although nobody who is not a complete psychopath would want to admit responsibility.
MaryNicebutthick: I am sure the government is lying but they probably have a very good reason for it and mean well.
TimSwearsalot says: Can anyone f****ing explain to me what the f**** is going on and who is f***ing responsible for all this sh*te whatever it is as a I really think it is time when strung some f***er up by the te****cles.
That’s enough f***ing comments for now – Ed
The above article is from
the newspaper that inspired the art of fact checking.
It is published here for your own good
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