How I became ill with the highly infectious False Positive

A True(ish) Story

by Aincha Sickovit

On Friday morning I awoke with a slight tickly cough.
Such is the nature of the deeply implanted fear we are all privileged to wrestle with courtesy of those nice maniacs running the country smoothly along its downward spiral, even I was convinced I had Covadiddlydoodoo even though I’d already had it in 2019 before all the advertising made it popular.
After all, colds and flu no longer exist and they are all, along with a slight tickly cough, hay fever, allergies to mold, Man Flu, hypochondria etc etc replaced by Covadoodledoo. Which is great because now that they are all Covaddiddly we can take a vaxadoodle and be instantly protected from everything but catching or spreading covadoodle.
Ah the wonders of science!

Speaking of which, I took the latest nothing-can-possibly-go-wrong test, the LFT (Lateral Fool Test) which has become popular with bazillions of Brits looking

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for a scientific excuse  to skive off work or bunk off school and spend a week at home playing the latest video game, “Hypochondriageddon”. I had just seen it (the test that is, not the video game although, admittedly, it is hard to tell) mentioned on TV in a briefing by the PM and “Mr Scientist” his invisible friend, so I thought I would give it a go.

The test came back “False Positive”, which apparently can be quite serious. They say nobody is immune to False Positive, it is highly infectious and has the media in the grip of terror. Some people have been known to die of it as it usually means you’ll be dead within eighty years or more.
Worse, it has no symptoms so you can have it and recover without even realising you are ill so  just to be on the safe side I rang my doctor. He said he could not see me in case I was ill but did agree to act without hesitation and write Covadingdong on my Death Certificate. I asked him to send me a copy of my cert so I could frame it and hang it on my wall as I’ve always wanted a certificate to prove what a brilliant victim I am.
Anyway, unfortunately, I was better by lunchtime so maybe I just had Short Covid.
Scientists not at all influenced by the government have just discovered Short Covid which strikes you down with slight symptoms for as long as five minutes and places you in danger of getting better without needing to be injected with experimental chemicals by some loon posing as your government.
This is known to be a very serious threat to the national economy (the Pharmaceutical Industry) as because of the emergency everything has been shut down except the manufacture of deadly chemicals. The rest of the economy is being sold for scrap to raise funds for the popular charity Help the Aged Oligarch.
I am now hoping someone will discover an antidote to government as I hope to become immune.

Scientists Discover Worst Epidemic in the History of the Universe. Read the terrifying news here

About the Author

Aincha Sickovit writes The Daily Scare under the pseudonym “Steve Cook”

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About Steve Cook 2252 Articles
Director, UK Reloaded

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