This is why we now swab every animal we can get our hands on…
AGENT131711
The 2009 Swine Flu pandemic was terrifying beyond words. Unlike prior viruses, this new virus was not only transforming like Optimus Prime but it was also a long jump Olympian. You see, according to the CDC, it had evolved to the point that now it was jumping back and fourth from humans to pigs like never before. From the bacon aisle at Walmart to the petting zoo, nowhere was safe. Want to go out to breakfast? Too bad, they might serve sausage and even if you don’t order it, Lord only knows how far these viruses can leap. Stay home, stay safe. All the scared people of the nation could do was pray their government and pharma would use their tax dollars to sort this nightmare out.
In the meantime, it was important to test the sh*t out of absolutely everything. Armed with cases of cotton swabs, the helpful scientists began gathering animals. Before I terrify you with the list of animals that were secretly harboring the long-jump-Olympian-pathogen inside of them, let me tell you how we discovered Swine Flu in a pig because it’s quite… scientific…
According to historical accounts, what had happened was, some pigs, somewhere in the USA became sick from something. Some people somewhere recognized this was something terrible. They somehow told some good germ theory scientists and those scientists knew they needed to help, somehow.
The germ theory scientists had a sneaking suspicion that it could be the dreaded flu so they ran highly scientific tests to get to the truth. They accomplished this by bringing the sick pigs to healthy pigs and seeing if the virus causes the healthy pigs to become ill obtaining some “human influenza virus” from some laboratory, aerosolizing it, then spraying the chemical mixture straight up the noses of the healthy pigs. To their complete horror, after spraying the chemical concoction virus up the sniffers of those healthy pigs, the piggies developed a fever and some even became lethargic. SHOCK AND AWE! This obviously confirmed that the human flu virus can indeed cross-species! This super scientific discovery would change history. God bless Science.
TESTING EVERY ANIMAL ON EARTH
Now that we knew the animals were in on it, it was a race against time. The first animal tests revealed that, in addition to pigs, Swine flu was inside cats and dogs, including racing greyhounds! Sneaky sick bastards. This alarmed scientists, but did they quit? No sir. They were on a mission to save humanity from these awful disease carrying animals, one swab at a time.
“What should we test next?”, they pondered. (You can’t make this sh*t up:) Circumstances were so grave that it made the most sense to gather turkeys, skunks, cheetahs, birds, even giant anteaters. To their surprise, all of these critters tested positive. This was absolute proof the Swine Flu was evolving faster than an angry Bruce Banner.
The brave germ theory scientists knew they couldn’t stop there. As the swabbing continued, Swine Flu was found to be hiding inside a 12-year-old male American badger, a 7-year-old black-footed ferret, and worst of all, a 19-year-old female Bornean binturong. Only God and Jeff Bezos knew what this animal was and how long the virus has been inside it. Who would have ever thought this furry thing nobody has ever heard of would be a pathogen brewing factory?
The badger, the ferret and the Bornean were all kept in the same zoo, so germ theory tells us we need to check the water source and food supply if they are sick the virus leapt out of a sick person and went careening into the ferret, then, when the Bornean asked the ferret to borrow a cup of sugar, that evil germ jumped out of that ferret and straight into the weird raccoon thing that is kind of cute but not something you would want to pet because it looks like it could rip your face off if it wanted to. Plus, it’s secretly ill. So either way, it’s just too dangerous.
VIRUS HUNTING
Being that science has found this virus stashed away inside the entirety of the animal kingdom, I wanted to know what it looked like. Moreso, I just wanted to stare down evil. On the NIH site I located a a picture of it:
The above image shows the “very aggressive” flu strain that was inside the male American badger. They used red dye to show us which ones are the aggressive virus bits because without the red dye it all looks identical that’s how they do it. To make you understand just how complex science is, I changed the contrast of the image above so you can see what the scientists had to figure out:
No wonder they need so many years of college.
As lab workers from all over the world began looking for Swine Flu virus particles, they quickly discovered that it doesn’t always look the same. I guess it depends on what stage of morphing or jumping it is in? Sometimes it can be a cluster in earth tones that oddly resembles a turtle:
Is that it in mid-leap? Or perhaps that is it after a Bruce Banner evolution but before it pole vaults onto a door handle? Amazingly, other scientists found a the same cluster in a different color:
At this point you and I are thinking that surely Swine Flu must look like the turtle since multiple lab coats discovered the literally identical cluster of virus in different colors, right? No. Shockingly, Swine Flu Virus was discovered in Michigan pigs at the Oakland County Fair in 2023 and it looks completely different!:
And this new cluster was also found by other scientists, elsewhere in the world, in different colors and cropped:
Just to be sure…
Yep, they are the exact same which is complete proof that whatever they’re looking at isn’t the same virus evolution is occurring all over the world…
So at this point, we knew to look for one of these three things…
…but… the worse case scenario that could happen, happened and it shook science to its core. That worst case scenario was this evolution coming along:
So science was like, “Ok fellas, we need to look for worms, turtles, clusters and very aggressive dots. It’s gonna be one of those four, so get your microscopes out!” – and all of science was onboard with this until…
…ANOTHER EVOLUTION BLINDSIDED EVERYONE!
And just when we thought we found the entire cast of Swine Flu virus characters, the situation got even worse than the worse it had already become. “How much worse could it possibly get? The thing already evolved from a turtle to a worm to a hoop!”, you exclaim. I reply, “Imagine being tied to a chair and forced to watch a computer screen that continuously updates while a Biden speech is playing on loop over loudspeakers. That is how bad it got.”
WORST CASE SCENARIO’S WORST CASE SCENARIO
This virus, while species-hopping, had evolved so much that it turned itself into this!
Sweet baby Jesus, how will mankind survive?! But on the bright side, since it’s CGI we could now hunt the Swine Flu on computers which made finding it easier.
The other good news was that when it morphed itself into a computer virus, we were able to dissect it and this is when we found the DAMN SPIKE PROTEINS!:
As you can see, locating this virus is no laughing matter. It can be any shape, any color, any orientation, inside anything, anywhere including being a cropped cartoon on a computer that looks identical to so-called Covid virus. This overload of information made me wonder what I can do to help the good scientists battle the evil germ. Since I don’t own a lab coat or a microscope, all I could do to assist was make an image compilation so the worldwide virus warriors can print it and hang it on the walls of their laboratories for reference, then, when they spot one of these things, they will know the narwhal they swabbed is contaminated:
And you can also print the identification card. Keep it handy because you never know when you’ll need it.
Now that you understand just how serious Swine Flu was, let’s get back to the story:
ANIMALS CAN NO LONGER BE TRUSTED
Now that the good scientists knew they were looking for anything, it made finding it much easier. Through avid testing they discovered, unfortunately, everything was infected. The virus had hidden itself away inside tigers, chickens, horses, wild waterfowl, crabs, turtles, insects, and even bats. F*cking bats, it’s always the f*cking bats causing f*cking problems. Here’s their chart showing some of what anything it was hiding in and how the anything can contaminate humans having foursome orgies:
THE REST IS HISTORY
The stark reality was, although we could trust the science, we could no longer trust any animal. So, for the rest of history, whenever a virus was discovered, we would test the sh*t out of all the critters on earth – and this, thankfully, was a key to stopping the Coronavirus! Remember, even though it looks healthy, it might secretly be super ill and it takes a lab to discover the truth, so bring in the camels!
And wild baby deer in Canada (only because they don’t have camels. If they had camels, trust me, those would be tested too)
No yak left behind:
Why stop there? Let’s test fish too:
You just have to wonder how the virus could have gotten into the fish. I’ve ran though a lot of scenarios in my head and all end at “the virus can now swim” because I see no other way. And if viruses can now swim, that means we can no longer jump into the ocean to avoid an attack!
Then, once it is discovered that these animals are covertly infected, we have to solve the problem. “By giving them fresh food and water?”, you ask. No. That’s stupid. We need to solve the problem by killing them:
While the swabs were swabbing and the executioners were executing, the heroic doctors and scientists of the world were rushing a Swine Flu vaccine as fast as they could to save humanity, and the rest is history. Now pretend my box is an animal and swab it hard:
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Read full story
SOURCES:
‘Swine Flu’ Strain Has Passed Between Humans & Pigs Hundreds of Times
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377413/
https://rupress.org/jem/article/54/3/349/10190/SWINE-INFLUENZA-I-EXPERIMENTAL-TRANSMISSION-AND
https://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/h1n1-flu-virus-swine-flu
https://www.devex.com/news/sponsored/opinion-why-detecting-zoonotic-diseases-is-crucial-for-global-health-104292
https://rupress.org/jem/article-pdf/54/3/349/1179297/349.pdf
https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18063-timeline-the-secret-history-of-swine-flu/
https://rupress.org/jem/article/54/3/349/10190/SWINE-INFLUENZA-I-EXPERIMENTAL-TRANSMISSION-AND
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8813723/
<a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/funny-cartoon-cute-virus-bacteria-set-isolated-white_13110265.htm#query=virus%20cartoon&position=0&from_view=search&track=ais”>Image by macrovector</a> on Freepik
This article (LMAO: Swine Flu was Hiding in a Badger + Free Printable Virus Identification Card) was created and published by Agent131711 and is republished here under “Fair Use”
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