Rayner’s Mouth, and other Labour disorders
ALEXANDER MCKIBBIN
THE climate change debate has focused on the devastation of the environment. Another area which has received scant attention is the re-emergence of illnesses and diseases which were thought to have been eradicated decades ago. Chikungunya virus, for example, is now thought to be here in the UK driven by unusually warm temperatures and mosquitoes arriving on these shores.
TCW’s medical editor reveals some of the more concerning ailments that readers should be on the look-out for.
Starmer’s syndrome (Kyivus derangus)
This largely forgotten condition was prevalent up to the 1970s. Sufferers were given immediate relief by taking an over-the-counter remedy called Thatcher’s Curative Tincture. This cheap yet highly effective syrup, if administered early in the disease’s progress, would usually result in a complete cure. Like many medical problems, the public developed a sense of complacency over the years, with large swathes of the population feeling that they had somehow inherited ‘herd immunity’.
Alarmingly for doctors in the UK, this pernicious virus has made itself known again, thankfully so far in only one patient, referred to in the medical literature as Mr K.
Arriving at one of the UK’s largest teaching hospitals, he presented with a range of rather unspecific symptoms, simply stating that he felt ‘totally useless’ and ‘out of his depth’.
After blood tests and X-rays proved unremarkable, Mr K was fortunate to be seen by a junior doctor who had recently read up on Starmer’s syndrome as part of his internship.
While many practitioners might have dismissed or overlooked tell-tale signs, Mr K’s problem was swiftly diagnosed. Interviewed by the Lancet, the doctor explained;
‘Upon examination the patient presented as completely normal, yet there was something that I could not quite put my finger on that warranted closer observation. The vacant “rabbit in headlight” look behind expensive spectacles was the first clue, and a monotonous way of talking with no rise or fall in pitch allowed me to narrow down potential diseases.
‘I was able to make a definitive diagnosis via a verbal tic. The utterance of a ceaseless stream of repetitive phrases has long been recognised as being synonymous with this malady. Here, the patient kept saying ‘coalition of the willing’, ‘boots on the ground’ and ‘security guarantees’. These completely meaningless statements were the proof that this unfortunate individual was in the advanced stages of Starmer’s syndrome, or as some medics refer to it, Totalus doolally. Although it is too late to administer any practical help, it is hoped that enforced rest might prove beneficial.’
It is important to note that Starmer’s syndrome can be confused with other troubling medical conditions. Some consultants have misdiagnosed the verbal tic element and vacant expression as Cooper’s disease (Pixieus inconsequentalis), an altogether different illness.
Individuals who feel that they might have succumbed to this incapacitating and easily transmittable sickness are advised to seek medical help immediately. Under no circumstances should they be in close contact with other vulnerable or compromised people.
Reeves’s neuropathy (Deludus incompetentus)
A troubling and little understood ailment that has seen an exponential rise over the last couple of years. Sufferers might, in the early onset phase, find themselves crying inappropriately and then exhibiting signs of euphoria. Delusions are another well-documented phenomenon associated with this condition, where patients express outlandish and easily disprovable claims. Anecdotal stories abound of victims claiming to be economists or exaggerating credentials. One individual boasted of saving the economy of the United Kingdom!
Currently, like Starmer’s syndrome, relief can only be obtained by complete bed rest and an absence from front-line work.
NB: Not to be confused with Brown’s Madness (Scotus unhingedus), thankfully now a rarity.
Rayner’s Mouth (Vulgaris oratio)
A disorder of unknown cause which tends to afflict females and those who hail from northern areas. It can lie dormant for years and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, reveal itself. The classic sign is revealed in talking, when the patient without warning drops the last letter of words ending in ‘g’. It might be common to hear the individual say, for instance: ‘We’re taxin’ you rich bastards’ or ‘No kissin’ a Tory’. The gold standard test is to ask the sufferer to say ‘I hate the huntin’ shootin’ and fishin’ tossers’.
High profile victims include Sky TV’s talented presenter Beth Rigby, who proves that this impediment is no bar to social and work advancement.
Individuals who feel that they might have succumbed to this incapacitating and easily transmittable sickness are advised to seek medical help immediately. Under no circumstances should they be in close contact with other vulnerable or compromised people.
This article (Rayner’s Mouth, and other Labour disorders) was created and published by Conservative Woman and is republished here under “Fair Use” with attribution to the author Alexander McKibbin
Featured image: x.com
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