by Steve Cook
A shock discovery proves that Washington was right all along and not, as everyone thought, run by criminally insane douche bags who happened to have gotten their hands on the biggest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in the history of the universe.
As those who were following events in post-coup Ukraine will know, the majority ethnic Russian population of Crimea voted overwhelmingly in a referendum to leave Ukraine and rejoin Russia in an effort to escape the Nazi regime America had so kindly and thoughtfully installed in Kiev for nothing but humanitarian motives (and nothing at all to do with provoking Russia or handing vast swathes of fertile Ukrainian land over to Monsanto and other humanitarian organisations devoted to abolishing the food chain).
Facts can often be annoying, especially when they stand in the way of making a case for a war that, while being pointless, is nevertheless good for dozens of people the world over who stand to make a hefty profit. Such is the case of the Crimean referendum in which over 90% voted to join Russia and scarper from the Ukraine before the Western wrecking balls demolished their homeland. The facts have tended to stand in the way of America and her vassal states making a case for Russian aggression and its”invasion” of Crimea. This has considerably annoyed the Great Minds, such as the very nice and not at all barmy Senator John McCain that wisely rule the high crime areas of Washington and London with what is known as the Iron Fist of Stupidity.
When faced with such criticism, which whilst being vacuous is nevertheless disingenuous as most people with a brain and a functioning short-term memory have already figured out for themselves, Russia’s Vladimir Putin is said to have countered:
“The people of Crimea were at least done the courtesy of asking them what they wanted rather than having the decision made for them, then rammed down their throats. We do not recall our American . . . um, partners asking anybody what they wanted before turning to the strong-arm stuff. How do I get through you you clowns? Are you completely brain dead?” or words to that effect.
This has enabled the Russians to feel morally superior, a feeling that tends to come over a person when he is morally superior, and caused America some diplomatic and public relations problems mainly because it has been, until now, believed to be true by the people of the world and others of low intelligence.
But by an extraordinary stroke of luck, averting in the nick of time the collapse of the last vestiges of American and British credibility that were well past their sell-by date in any case, new evidence has come to light proving beyond reasonable thought that various referendums were in fact held. Their results gave America and her vassals a clear mandate to blow other people’s countries up but they had sat in a vault for years when everybody simply forgot about them.
Released today by the America Secretary for Hysteria in a document entitled “In Yer face, Putin”, the facts were heralded in a triumphant White House press statement thus: “America stands exonerated by these latest facts and we are not even lying at all this time.”
Among the completely true facts contained in the forgotten by miraculously unearthed document are the results of various completely unbiased and not at all rigged referendums that were held in a number of countries but which somehow, by another of those chance suspension of the laws of common sense with which Washington is so blessed, were not noticed by anybody. Neither were they mentioned by Washington on account of it being too modest to brag – until, that is, provoked by Russia’s aggressive insistence on saying things that are, more or less, true. Among these referendums are:
The Ukraine Referendum. The question was: “Would you like us to dismantle your government and install a neoNazi regime for you?” To this 87% responded “yes please”.
The Iraq Referendum: “How would you feel about us carpet-bombing Baghdad and invading your country?” The results were: (1) I would quite like that 74%, (2) If you think it best, go ahead 14%, (3) Don’t know 12%
The Libyan Referendum. The question was: “In the event that we accidentally financed and armed terrorist groups to bring down your government and throw your country into chaos and ruin, would you be annoyed?”. The vast majority (110%) ticked the box for “Not at all.” The box for “Piss off you American Twats” received a paltry but nevertheless unbelievable 1%.
The Syrian Referendum. “Would you like us to create ISIS for you and help it bring down your popular president whilst chopping your head off?” 99% responded: “As long as you steal our oil whilst doing it, I would be happy for this to happen.”
This proves conclusively that America has not, as was hitherto believed by everybody in the world except Hillary Clinton supporters, been taken over by a criminal cabal of warmongering psychopaths and assorted scumbags.
What a relief! For a minute there we thought Washington was acting on behalf of vested interests determined to pillage and ruin global civilisation! Tonight we can all sleep easier in our beds – unless we live in Ukraine, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Russia, The Philippines, Turkey, Afghanistan, Europe, Russia. The Third World, The First World, The Second World (whatever that is exactly) or America that is.
Steve Cook writes the satirical blog, The Daily Scare. Please pay it a visit for more humor.