It’s official: eleven out of ten terrorists are dead jealous
Most of us struggle in vain to comprehend the motives behind the inexplicable dislike of Britain and America shared by people all across the Middle East (and the Far East, Near East, East Anglia and several neighbouring planets).
It smacks, of course, of ingratitude after all we have done for them in bringing them the benefits of peace, democracy and the miracles of genetically modified politicians – not to mention relieving them of the burden of natural resources which they never deserved to have in the first place.
But ingratitude, while it can be a powerful and often beneficial motivator, is only part of the story.
Psychiatrists claim they have identified an errant gene possessed by everybody that causes a mental illness scientifically labelled ABSOD (Aversion to Being Shat On Disorder) a close cousin of FOBSAD (Fear of Being Shot Aversion Disorder) which manifests as an unreasoning and hysterical reaction to being culled or having a family member democratically run over by a tank. The cure is thought to be giving lots of money to pharmaceutical companies, a well-known panacea that is scientifically proven to replace all known made-up mental disorders with a chemical derangement of the brain – as well as helping the major shareholders of pharmaceutical companies recover from ARS (Aversion to not being Rich Syndrome).
But does this psychiatric theory really explain this phenomenon despite the minutes of painstaking mental effort that went into making it up? As psychiatric theory is not really so much about making sense of a troubled world as drugging people so they’ll think the demented planet they are living on is normal, it seems unlikely.
There is also the theory that all Muslims are genetically predisposed to being terrorists at the slightest flimsy excuse such as having a few peace-loving cruise missiles gate-crash their weddings, their front doors democratically kicked in by storm troopers or their mosques playfully demolished. This is thought to be a genetic phenomenon similar to the one that makes Western politicians and news syndicates incapable of lying and many ordinary westerners incapable of disbelieving anything they say.
But this gene theory might be cast ever so slightly in doubt by a small but significant anomaly that sees a tiny minority of no more than 98% of Muslims having never actually done anything more aggressive than shake their fist at the TV during a CNN news broadcast.
There is also the possibility that Muslims may turn out in fact to be human beings who don’t like being invaded and are not terrorists by nature any more than Westerners are all tank drivers, arms manufacturers or heavily armed mercenaries who spend their time shooting up the suburbs of Middle Eastern cities.
However, Western policy makers are quick to pour scorn on that idea, pointing to surveys that prove conclusively that 80% of all Muslims quite like being invaded and are happy to be shot at if it is for Democracy and don’t mind having their religious beliefs insulted either. This just goes to show that you have to be careful about jumping to reasonable conclusions because anyone can use evidence to disprove almost anything false.
So what then is the true source of this bizarre and inexplicable attitude towards the kindest and most blameless nations on the planet? It took one of America’s greatest and most astute statesmen, George Bush, to finally point us all in the right direction. In his famous “speech-in-a-cowboy-hat” at Warmongin Nebraska, entitled “Lucky for You We Were Here”, he revealed something the rest of us had completely overlooked: that “the folks of them there foreign countries is jealous of our way of life and all its many benefications such as, er . . . me.”
When you look at it, it seems that Bush may have hit the nail on the head. We are after all blessed with the most highly evolved form of government in the history of the universe in which our democratically elected leaders govern on behalf of the people – if you define “The People” as Multi National Corporations and other grass roots criminal organisations. We do enjoy many other benefications too such as highly evolved brain washing, expanding illiteracy, flexible constitutions, freedom from deeply held beliefs, the ability to drug our children, chips (both micro and potato) a healthy sense of our own mortality and the futility of existence, food free from nutrition and other additives plus a host of new and interesting glandular disorders.
We have many things that people all over the world sincerely wish they had: their natural resources for one thing and advanced techniques for waging wars that are conveniently situated on other people’s territory for another. But we also have many other benefits that accrue to those at the pinnacle of human social evolution: game shows; pesticides; the deep spirituality of TV Evangelism (America) and Sunday Shopping (UK); the freedom to leave all thinking to a person or persons unknown; the right to elect people we know are complete twats, the advantages of being able to drug our children . . . the list just goes on and on.
In all fairness, we have tried very hard to export these benefits to the rest of the planet but do we get any thanks for it? It appears not. Even our generous export of high-interest loans and high explosives has not generated the paroxysms of gratitude we might reasonably expect.
Could it be then that envy of how great we are is what drives half the planet to look on us with, at best, scorn and at worst a deeply rooted hatred that spurs them to take up the arms we sold them and which they bought with the loans our philanthropic banks so generously donated at magnanimously high rates of interest and use them against us? Could it be jealousy that prompts people to shoot back? Was World War Two in fact fought because we (and not just our governments) were jealous of the Nazis?
We put it to the test. We carried out surveys that were scientifically designed not to produce a predetermined result that backs up any fibs we might be telling – and we’re not even lying about that one. Amazingly our completely unbiased and not at all rigged surveys produced results that prove beyond any reasoned argument or need for real evidence that public opinion all across the Middle East completely justifies our messing people about until the entire planet is run by George Soros from an oxygen tent in a luxury fallout shelter on the shores of the Potomac.
Staggeringly, our surveys show that of the people who have taken up arms against the freedom-loving West (and other lands where people walk around with their hearts filled with the warm glow occasioned by an un-abating love of freedom):
35% were totally jealous
30% were green with envy
15% were hoping for more CIA funding
20% don’t know why they did it but it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
Steve Cook is the author of the scifi spoof Genghis Kant and other works of variously humorous or annoying works of fiction and non-fiction. He publishes the satirical blog, The Daily Scare. Pay him a visit!
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